Conan the Barbarian (2011)

[TheDenizen]

**Note I can't remember any of the character's names other than Conan despite the fact that I wrote this immediately after returning home from the screening. SPOILERS AHOY

Jason Momoa is fantastic. He looks and moves like Conan should, he can handle his sword well, and is appropriately gruff and curt. Sadly, they put him in a terrible movie (and have him spout some awful lines).

The sets and costumes are excellent (except for a couple of the obvious CGI landscapes), the weapons look great. I also liked the battle scenes and didn't find the editing very distracting...like Ninja Assassin, there's lots of fast cuts, but the action is still coherent and very bloody. The kid who plays young Conan was decent, too. Here ends my praise.

The two main antagonists in this film are just awful. The necromancer's quest to put back together his ridiculous octopus mask is lame (and the CGI when it comes to life is TERRIBLE), and his double scimitar thing is even lamer. He never really seemed truly threatening or powerful. Rose McGowan's character seems to have wandered in from a different movie altogether, perhaps one of the Star Wars prequels. She's totally out of place, yet clearly a powerful spellcaster (the dust soldiers she summons were pretty cool), but when the chips are down and she's fighting for her life, she's reduced to punching and kicking the trueblood chick. Weak.

The back story of the antagonists was trite and uninteresting, so it's not that exciting when Conan kills them. The battle between Conan and the bad guy on the rotating circle of death falling down the pit at the end was one of the cheesiest things ever. There were plot holes you could readily maneuver the Goodyear blimp through, but here's a handful of random stupidity:

What's up with the silly character with the eye patch? He seems to be a thief of some renown in the City of Thieves, but when he comes along with Conan on a mission, he's a blubbering idiot who gets immediately relegated to comic relief. He's like an unpleasant combination of the worst things about Subotai and Malak.

What happened to Bob Sapp's death scene? We get the closeup of his surprised face with a blade to his throat, but then nothing. It was almost like they couldn't get the scene to look right so it got butchered together in the editing room.

Conan's black friend on the boat is incredibly dumb. Conan knows the pureblood girl is in danger so asks him to take her far away. So he sends her off alone on foot to fuck Conan and find her way back to the ship by the next day. Of course she's captured. They might as well have put a giant neon sign around his neck that said "PLOT CONTRIVANCE".

No prayer to Crom. WTF.

Ron Perlman's character has so much shaggy blond hair, all I could think of was the old TV show Beauty and the Beast and how much he looked like his character Vincent the lion man.

There's at least 6 separate shots of people raising a sword into the air and screaming triumphantly as cheesy music swells over an aerial tracking shot. The music in general was very goofy sounding, it has none of the grandeur of Poledouris' score. At least there were no heavy metal guitars.

Once the bad guy had the mask working, why did he not start using its power against Conan? Nope, he just kept bashing away with his swords...you know, because that had been working so well for him.

I always assumed the line about Conan being "born in battle" was a flowery way of saying he was born during a time of turmoil and war...not that he was literally birthed by emergency C-section amidst a raging battle. That scene and the bit with Ron Perlman raising up the baby to sky (and screaming triumphantly as cheesy music swells over an aerial tracking shot) a la Simba in the Lion King was cringe worthy.

The 3D was mostly flat and added almost nothing.

No way to disguise it, this was a huge disappointment for me. I am of the opinion that the original Conan the Barbarian is one of the best movies ever made, so I didn't really expect the remake to live up to it. I just wish it hadn't reminded me so much of Conan the Destroyer. Actually, Conan the Destroyer was better than this.

5.5/10 and that's a generous fanboy score because I liked Momoa and the fight scenes. Despite my complaints, it's definitely not as bad as the critics would have you believe. It's just not really good like it should have been.

[Ununnilium]

Even though I haven't seen the movie, I must say that this is a well-done review.

[TheDenizen]

thanks.

Also, I wanted to mention that some random douchebag brought their TODDLER into the screening in a stroller, the kid could not have been even two years old. Of course the kid was terrified of the monsters and the bloody action and cried throughout. At least the kid was drowned out by the bombast of the sound effects most of the time, but whenever there was a quieter moment, it was constant mewling. Who the hell brings a small child to a gory barbarian flick? Ignorant retards, that's who.

So here's my public service announcement for the day: "If you can't afford a babysitter for your rugrats, you can't afford to go to the movies. For the love of Crom leave your fucking kids at home when you go to an R-rated flick."

[ShogunRua]

At least the kid was drowned out by the bombast of the sound effects most of the time, but whenever there was a quieter moment, it was constant mewling. Who the hell brings a small child to a gory barbarian flick? Ignorant retards, that's who.

I would have confronted the man and told him he needs to leave. If he doesn't, call the ushers on him.

[TheDenizen]

People sitting nearer to them did, and of course the kid was quiet when the ushers came in. The R rating in Canada allows anyone in if they're with someone over 18. *sigh* I don't think we have an equivalent to the NC17 rating.

We did complain about it afterwards to the manager and got free passes, so at least it didn't cost me anything to see Conan.

[ShogunRua]

People sitting nearer to them did, and of course the kid was quiet when the ushers came in. The R rating in Canada allows anyone in if they're with someone over 18. *sigh* I don't think we have an equivalent to the NC17 rating.

We did complain about it afterwards to the manager and got free passes, so at least it didn't cost me anything to see Conan.

The ushers see a man with a 2 year-old and just because it's quiet at that moment, they don't ask him to leave?! That's one shitty movie theater!

Glad you got some free tickets dude, but wow, that theater sounds awful.

[TheDenizen]

yeah it's the ultra cheapo theater in the crummy downtown area...I rarely go there but it was the only place still showing Conan

[deanazhollis]

I really liked your review. "No Prayer to Crom?" Yeah. Really? Did they even mention Crom? My husband said they did, but I don't remember.

Spoilers....

As for the lines, they could have done without it. It seemed that they put all their preparation on the scenes and NOTHING on the dialogue. They could have had the movie without dialogue and it would have done much better.

The parts that were "supposed" to be funny...weren't. The thief just sounded irritating and embarrassing. The part where Conan put the cloth in her mouth...that didn't work either. Nothing was funny. It's like a nerd trying to make a joke.

"I live. I love. I fight.... I am content." Okay. So they tried... TRIED...to make some kind of memorable quote...and failed.

No one can ever replace:
Mongol General: "What is best in life?"
Conan: "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women."

No one.

And yeah, after all that searching for the mask...we didn't see ANY POWER from it. What the Heck?!

If this movie didn't have the title CONAN in it...it wouldn't be a CONAN movie. More like a remake of one of those stop-motion Sinbad movies (but those stories and lines were better).

I do have to say I liked one thing about this film better than the original. This Conan was barbaric. The entire film displayed barbarism. The other Conan, though had some barbaric tendencies, was professional taught to use the sword. This Conan put a key down someone's throat and allowed people to get gut it out from their oppressor to free themselves, while enjoying it.

And though I would have minded it because of the barbaric world, but was there a hint of incest here? I wasn't quite sure....

What was the meaning of jumping around and display all those different names for the places? It didn't bring any type of suspense. Maybe it was geared more towards people who read the Comics?

Also, the fighting...I couldn't see anything! It was like the camera was on close-up on the swords and not the skill of fighting. I couldn't SEE what was going on. There must have been some cool things happening, but it was all on flicking metal. I couldn't even see what the guy was doing with a bent sword? Was it bending? Something was lashed out. Couldn't see it.

That ending was really bad with the riding on the horse and the background. It distracted me it because it looked like a green screen shot.

This could have been such a better movie, quite different Conan that we could enjoy, but where were the writers? And why make this film and then CHEAT with the shots and dialogue, like someone messed up a really good Cake and tried to cover it up with sloppy spreading of the icing. But it tasted like cake..except some parts weren't completely cooked.

This film was rushed and was not ready to go out yet. But it just looked like they sent it out anyway because they needed the money. Some thing that happened with Babylon A.D. with Vin Diesel.

Such potential...wasted.... due to poor money management and planning. That may not be the reason why this was put out this way, but That's all I saw.

- Deana Zhollis

[TheDenizen]

I really liked your review. "No Prayer to Crom?" Yeah. Really? Did they even mention Crom? My husband said they did, but I don't remember.

Thanks. Yeah I think Ron Perlman slipped the name Crom into a throwaway line during one of the battle scenes.

As for the lines, they could have done without it. It seemed that they put all their preparation on the scenes and NOTHING on the dialogue. They could have had the movie without dialogue and it would have done much better.

An interesting proposition. It would've at least forced them to visualize an actual story, instead of just a bunch of stuff that happens to one guy.

The parts that were "supposed" to be funny...weren't. The thief just sounded irritating and embarrassing. The part where Conan put the cloth in her mouth...that didn't work either. Nothing was funny. It's like a nerd trying to make a joke.

Nothing in the film was nearly as funny as a camel getting punched.

And yeah, after all that searching for the mask...we didn't see ANY POWER from it. What the Heck?!

The more I think about this movie, this is the thing I keep coming back to as the most egregious crime. That mask is the most pointless plot device ever.

I do have to say I liked one thing about this film better than the original. This Conan was barbaric. The entire film displayed barbarism. The other Conan, though had some barbaric tendencies, was professional taught to use the sword. This Conan put a key down someone's throat and allowed people to get gut it out from their oppressor to free themselves, while enjoying it.

A fair point, though I think much of this was due to Arnold's limited acting range. I'm sure just getting him to grunt on cue was considered a small triumph for Milius.

And though I would have minded it because of the barbaric world, but was there a hint of incest here? I wasn't quite sure....

With the necromancer and his daughter? Definitely hints but nothing blatant.

What was the meaning of jumping around and display all those different names for the places? It didn't bring any type of suspense. Maybe it was geared more towards people who read the Comics?

The city names were all directly from the original Howard books. Simple fan service.

This film was rushed and was not ready to go out yet. But it just looked like they sent it out anyway because they needed the money. Some thing that happened with Babylon A.D. with Vin Diesel.

At least they didn't cast Vin Diesel AS Conan.

[deanazhollis]

At least they didn't cast Vin Diesel AS Conan.

LOL!

I Looooovvvveeee my Eye-Candy (Vin Diesel), but, no, he couldn't be Conan, not with how he's been acting lately. I do hope he brings out his ability of acting again. He's probably just feeling the pressure and it's not coming out right. Jason Momoa did fulfill my eye-candy (Loved his smile while he was fighting). I think Jason Momoa was a good Conan choice...it was just badly put together.

The city names were all directly from the original Howard books. Simple fan service.|

From the book, huh? Maybe there were more parts for fan service and they would be more forgiven.

Nothing in the film was nearly as funny as a camel getting punched.

OH YEAH! I forgot all about the "punching camel" scene! LOL!