The Boy Next Door

While there is definitely some 'I can't believe how awful this shit is' entertainment to be found here, it's equally depressing how something so insanely derivative can still be made in this day and age. It's like I bingewatched a season of TLC's new drama series Dumb Teacher Mom and now I kinda wanna crawl under a blanket and cry about my bad decision making for a while.

In competition for comedy of the year. Line readings that occasionally wouldn't feel out of place in The Room, especially by replacement Young James Franco. I think my favorite part is the plot points and motifs that go absolutely nowhere; the random blowie from the son's girlfriend, the meaningless references to The Iliad, etc. Just an overall impressively bad movie.

Funniest movie of the year so far, holy moly this movie was made by aliens and performed by robots set to "Wiseau". Replace flavour of the week who cares actor with Will Ferrel *my notes* Who do you have dirt on Rob Cohen? Who hangs out in hardware stores? Who makes fun of epipens? What the hell are you "I love your mother's cookies." All this nonsense was missing was a Ko?n cover of Mrs Robinson. My brains are running OH MY 3456 films ranked :D

This movie - in lieu of being better, which was never going to happen - needed to be sleazier. More violence, more horror shit, more jump scares, more sex and nudity, more grunginess. As is it's just bland as hell.

"so, j-lo is a milf teacher who needs some affirmation that she's still got it n' shit, and there's this really ripped highschool jock, but he's also totally into poetry and stuff. so they fuck, but because j-lo is so hot and incredible in the sack he can't forget about her and totally messes up her reconciling family, y'know?" funnily, this exact wording was overheard both at the venice beach gym for the mentally challenged and from barbara curry pitching her script.

Who decided that it was acceptable for Ryan Guzman to play a teenager when he looks well into or even slightly past his twenties? And why was absolutely nothing erotic or suspenseful about this? Also, putting glasses on JLo doesn't mean she can appropriately act like a teacher, I mean Jesus that is like some fucking shitty anime logic if I've ever seen it. I don't even know why I skipped through this. Is it possible to return my time?

The first part was so stupid I had to laugh. I would say at least I was not bored.

The Boy Next Door does not deliver on any of its promises. It's not erotic and it's not thrilling. It won't make your heart beat any faster. It won't excite. About all that it will do is remind you that actors who are approaching 30 should not play teenagers, and that poor cinematography and post-production work can take you out of a film, further ruining any impact it might have had. The Boy Next Door is bland and difficult to hate because it doesn't really do anything worth talking about.

In the end, it all comes down to a failure of tone for The Boy Next Door. Everyone seemed to understand the elements that were needed to make this a trashy good time work but weren't quite able to pull it off.

I'll give it 19 points out of a 100, just for the effort. Update: I just found out that that really short summary from IMDB isn't correct at all! She never got divorced, they were seperated, and the man didn't move in across the street, but NEXT DOOR! How stupid...

A slight letdown -- it isn't Showgirls. It's a decent bad film featuring a ton of bad actors delivering an awful script. The main story is of a woman who sleeps with a young man AND THEN PAYS FOR IT IN THE WORST WAY POSSIBLE. Questions such as "why would she be in trouble?" and "why doesn't she call the cops?" go unanswered, as the film continues to ramp it's ridiculousness.

Trashy soap opera given a mid-level studio budget. I can't deny that there's a certain lurid appeal to the glorious trashiness of this piece-of-shit movie, but if you're looking for an actual good film? Abandon all hope, ye who etc

I can't bring myself to out-and-out HATE this. It's just way way WAY too cornball to truly rile me up. Hands-down, this wins the fictitious "Rapey-est Movie of 2015" award. I'll pause to remind you that this is the same year Fifty Shades comes out! It's a thriller book-ended as a horror, that occasionally pulls off decent tension. Don't get me wrong, this is a BAD movie. But it's so comedically bad that I can't hate it. Not "so bad it's good", but high degrees of unexpected entertainment abound.

Very good choice for those nights where you want to watch a "bad movie", but not have it be so bad that it's not entertaining.

Not good. But lopez looked good

The movie is so mediocre and a copy/paste of the genre, I spent most of the movie thinking I have seen it. Because I have... albeit with other actors.

Trashy but enjoyable B-movie potboiler

1

Bad movie, but it is sultry?

Another terrible HDTGM watch, better be worth it

boas risadas

The Boy Next Door is meant to be a thriller, but it veers dangerously close to sex-soaked comedy—a campy send-up filled with ludicrous one-liners and oh-so-predictable jump scenes. This isn't just a waste of 90 perfectly good minutes. It's an obliteration of them.

Noah (Ryan Guzman) has moved in next door to Claire(Jennifer Lopez), apparently to care for his shockingly decrepit looking uncle. After fixing Claire's garage door, befriending her son and proclaiming his love for the "classics", he eventually, and rather forcefully, woos Claire into having sex with him. You see, Claire is vulnerable, her husband cheated on her and now she can't decide whether or not she's going to go back to him. Noah isn't too keen on letting her go that easily.

The only thing that could have saved this would have been more steamy scenes with J-Lo. Still a hot mama! But instead of that they focus on this lame-ass creep who didn't know how to be one. Weak tripe.

The first three quarters of this movie had good tension, momentum and anticipation. It was ruined at the unconvincing and unsatisfying ending. I was quite annoyed by the portrayal of insanity as being equal to stupidity. They literally could have cut off the last quarter and it would have been a far better viewing experience. Violence was not the problem. Stupid nonsense was.

40.500

Best parts: the eye squish and the copious amount of tit shots.

really good mystery murder movie