A Doggone Christmas

So many questions. Why is 98% of the running time not Christmas or snow related? Why is FBI lady dressed like a goth stripper? Why is Paul Logan SO ANGRY? Is it because he has a bad agent? How does a dog know how old timey dynamite works? Why is there a sequel called A Doggone Hollywood? Why does the version of me from that parallel universe have his life in order while I'm watching cheap 'telepathic pet' movies like a doggone moron?

During a very summery Christmas, a couple of kids, and STEVE who they didn't ask to join, find a dog who can telepathically talk to people, and is an idiot. The head of the FBI, Paul Logan, hates Christmas and wants the dog dead, so he sends his pornstar FBI agent in a tight latex suit to try and find and kill the dog. Happy days. Goddamn Steve.

Internet sensation "Jesse the Jack Russell" seemed perfect to star in the worst possible kind of family/kids film: talking animal(s) movies. However, where "Jesse the Jack Russell" gained internet notoriety from performing "useful dog tricks," the movie makes practically no use of the dog's gimmick, but instead is largely just generic low-budget kids movie trash with a falsely advertised Christmas gimmick, and a distinct touch of Jim Wynorski brand bewbage.