SpikyCactus
Bio: A failure in almost every way modern science has found to measure it, I spend my hours digging gardens, mindlessly delivering delivery vans and trying to keep The Man at bay. At other times I listen to music, watch films, play games and go to mostly punk and ska gigs, to try and hide the fact that I've got no friends. I live in a place I call Cactus World. Like most concepts that outlive their original purpose, Cactus World is an ill thought-out but increasingly complex muddle of canonical contradictions, fuelled by a mixture of decent alcohol (vegan cider and wine, 'interesting' beer and Guinness), movies, games and music, which encapsulates the sneaking suspicion that basically I'm a talentless nobody, a parasitic observer of life rather than a participant in it.
I learnt everything I need to know about life from watching Tom & Jerry, Laurel & Hardy and Star Trek, growing cacti (and other succulents), reading Thomas Hardy, going hiking/camping, playing Traveller (it's a role-playing game), listening to punk, skanking really badly and owning a guitar I will never learn to play.
On a more technical note, I'm on a mission to write up to 600 characters of mostly irrelevant, superficial, ill-informed, uninteresting and unamusing rubbish about each film I own as I watch it, with a special (management speak alert) laser-like focus, on cats, cacti (and other succulents), chainsaws, decapitations and general badassness. (You know what I mean, the sort of low grade, background noise that the Internet allows people with no talent, understanding or considered thoughts to publish). I do occasionally write something coherent about the film itself, but mostly I just go off on a tangent somewhere else and write about my favourite topic, me; (this is normally extremely tedious trivia that in many cases relates to something that also happened a long time ago). I imagine this probably infuriates many real movie buffs who take these things seriously, genuinely know something about films and are interested in other people's thoughts on them; but please, just try and roll with it.
I have noticed that some people (probably accidentally) press the 'star' button by what I've written. To them I say thank you for giving my life meaning, substance and direction, plus the courage and fortitude to sit through some pretty terrible films all the way to the end, just so I can then share this pain with others here.
My scoring system. I score in multiples of 10; anything more granular hurts my head. However, if a film has something intrinsically special about it I add an extra five. 70 is my base score for a decent film that I found entertaining but probably wouldn't miss much if it vanished from existence tomorrow. This is quite high, but I mostly watch things that, for better or for worse, I've bought a copy of; and I try not to buy things I don't think I'd like much. I score heavily based on how much I enjoy a film, although I will begrudgingly give a slightly higher one to movies that have a value outside of my enjoyment of them, be it social, historical or technical. Anything that gets less than 60 is terminated by me in an exceedingly cruel and heartless fashion, unless I've a specific reason for keeping it. (And I do seem to be very good at finding excuses for doing the latter, which isn't helping at all to make my living room look less like a forgotten branch of Blockbusters.) Anything that gets 90 or more I upgrade to the highest definition disc or digital copy possible if I don't already own it. Simples!
TV Series. I don't rate these. This is partly because I'm just not capable of condensing several seasons into one paragraph of flippant comments. Also, it's a big commitment to watch a TV series all the way though. This means I only do so if they're really good, which then unbalances my scores here with too much TV near the top of my list. TV should have its own section, like games do.
Games. I do rate these, but I take so long to play through them that I only add one very occasionally. I have to be in the right mood to play one as it's just so much easier to sit down and watch a film, rather than face horrific dangers, terrifying monsters, impossible puzzles or certain death, over and over and over again.
Recent Ratings
Check out SpikyCactus's...
| 70 46% | Quicksand (2023) - Rated 24 Nov 2024
"Top badass moment? Blink and you’ll miss the quicksand. This was much better than I thought it was going to be and ultimately I was entertained, came to care about the individuals and even laughed out loud at some jokes. Ray's a great comic character too. Its farcical plot manages to cram in a lot of people and story, and avoids that indie film nadir of lots of (cheap) talky bits that drag on for way too long. But cold tea is still an invention of the Devil. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
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| 80 78% | The Violence Action (2022) - Rated 18 Nov 2024
"Top badass moment? It’s not the comic version. I don’t like manga, or graphic novels in general. The stories can be great, but the lack of details makes them best suited to kids, or those with short attention spans who’d rather look at the pictures. Personally I enjoyed this film, with its full-on Japanese weirdness tempered by a story that I could just about follow. The CGI blood though – just, no. I can't find a phone number for Supple 'n' Natural either. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
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| 85 90% | Dance Craze (1981) - Rated 10 Nov 2024
"Top badass moment? This absolutely is the best recording available of the best 2-Tone bands. At a fickle, terribly unfashionable youth, when 2-Tone came along I was highly suspicious of it; basically 1979 was the pinnacle of music (still is) and I didn’t like that this ‘funny Northern reggae’ was suddenly far more popular than the ‘proper' punk and new wave it basically replaced. Fortunately, with time I've come to correct this unforgivable injustice. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
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| 65 29% | Jem and the Holograms (2015) - Rated 20 Oct 2024
"Top badass moment? Aubrey Peeples IS Alanis Morissette. I was ready to hate this film and its endless McGuffins, whilst it quietly ignored loads of other stuff that wasn't so convenient. But it looks nice, and the sensory overload from being bombarded with nonstop, positive vibes and messaging was like being brainwashed. In the end I was overwhelmed by the onslaught. Erica Raymond was actually fun, whilst watching Universal out-Disney Disney was educational. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
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| 85 90% | The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then the Bigfoot (2019) - Rated 06 Oct 2024
"Top badass moment? A callow youth barged passed me in the street recently and when I made a comment about getting no apology, I got a mouthful of foul abuse instead. That pissed me off. What Calvin did to those three guys, that was badass; I should have done that. This is a beautiful film; (OMG, have I just used the word “beautiful” to describe a film)? But I think you need to be of a certain age and had a tragic personal life to truly appreciate it; like me. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
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| 80 78% | Jennifer's Body (2009) - Rated 29 Sep 2024
"Top badass moment? The somewhat blunt marketing of the Blu-ray - its embossed slip cover has Megan Fox on it; the way it bulges out in ‘certain places’ told me everything I needed to know about this movie. Luckily, Amanda Seyfried provides a convincing girl-next-door to psycho teen transformation that can give us all hope. The band was shite though. The singer remined me of Brandon Flowers, except he probably doesn’t carry out as many ritual killings. No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
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| 80 78% | Someone Down There Likes Me (2009) - Rated 23 Sep 2024
"Top badass moment? Even decent Christians have a breaking point, so don't piss them off, especially the tetraplegic ones. This is exactly like a million other, low budget horror movies, except this one actually has a degree of character building; fancy that, some actual nuanced behaviour; okay so it’s not Shakespeare, but still. The rest is the usual murder, violence, rape, misery and selection of DIY tools, supported with nice make-up effects. 1 (vertical) decapitation, no cats or chainsaws."
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| 70 46% | Elektra (2005) - Rated 15 Sep 2024
"Top badass moment? The ‘talent’ turning up at The Hand’s council meeting. I don’t think that was on the agenda, but it was good to see worker representation on the board being supported by the Chair. It was also good to see a proper succession strategy being discussed and everyone fully on-boarded and supportive of an effective, performance focused culture. If there was one weak area it was probably diversity, but I’m sure they’re working on it. 1 decapitation, no cats or chainsaws."
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| 70 46% | Hotel Artemis (2018) - Rated 09 Sep 2024
"Top badass moment? It looked exactly like an NHS hospital – one nurse and a porter doing everything and never sleeping, whilst the building crumbles around them. This is pretty good as long as you don’t think about it too hard, as then the entire premise collapses into Nonsenseland. I hope none of those rioters were buying any eggs, because they’ll end up with a stiff prison sentence if they do; (topical comment that will make no sense this time next year.) No cats, chainsaws or decapitations."
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| 75 65% | Operation Red Sea (2018) - Rated 01 Sep 2024
"Top badass moment? Chinese snipers are good! I'm glad I don’t run a fairground stall, I’d have no teddy bears left if those guys were about. There's more character development in a tin of magnolia emulsion than there was in this entire film, but who watches this sort of thing (or paint) for the family dynamics? Ideal if you just want to see stuff going bang and a load of jingoistic nonsense. After all why should the Americans have a monopoly on that? 1 partial decapitation, no cats or chainsaws."
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